Mel Robbins says two words freed her from taking care of everyone else

Mel Robbins' latest strategy for relieving frustration over things out of her control is to utter two simple words, "Let them." That tactic is then followed by "Let me." (Nick Godsell/CNN via CNN Newsource)

Do you get paralyzed by anxiety or overwhelmed by negative thoughts or depression? Here’s how to get out of your head and rocket yourself out of bed at the same time.

I know it sounds ridiculously easy, but just stay with me. It’s a simple trick I learned from a world-renowned motivational speaker and best-selling author who used it to lift herself out of a seemingly hopeless situation. She has been through some tough times.

Here it is: Count backward from five. Just try it wherever you are: five, four, three, two, one. Now get up and get moving.

That’s it. It’s not rocket science, but it is based on neuroscience. Stress is a natural physiological reaction that helps you step up to everyday challenges or perceived threats. But when the body’s fight-or-flight survival response doesn’t let up, temporary changes such as muscle tension, shallow breathing, rapid heartbeat and edginess can give way to headaches, trouble sleeping, irritability, and the debilitating paralysis symptomatic of chronic anxiety or depression.

To stop this crippling cycle, the five-second countdown is the advice Mel Robbins gave herself while facing the worst time in her adult life. She later shared the trick in her hugely popular book “The 5 Second Rule: Transform Your Life, Work, and Confidence With Everyday Courage.”

Robbins, one of the top podcasters in the world, said she discovered the life-changing tactic when she was hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt from a restaurant business she and her husband had launched. They had used just about all their money, including equity in their house, to build the business — and then the 2008 financial crisis hit, wiping them out.

She was paralyzed, failing to get out of bed for hours, unwilling to do anything about it, and giving up on herself every single day. And then one day, she had a thought that she said changed her life forever: Her mind drifted to the countdown NASA does before launching a rocket.

Instead of launching a rocket, she wondered what would happen if she launched herself out of bed and into the world, even if it was just for a walk. That one simple trick allowed her to start tackling the things that were crippling her, one by one.

“I started using this countdown technique — five, four, three, two, one — anytime I needed to do something that I didn’t feel like doing,” Robbins told me. “And it became a way for me to push myself through the feelings of doubt, despair, frustration, overwhelm, anxiety, procrastination, whatever the heck it was. Five, four, three, two, one, boom. I would just move.

“See, your brain is designed to learn patterns. And the thing about patterns is this: You actually don’t break them,” Robbins said. “Patterns are designed to repeat. So, the only way you actually change patterns is by understanding the patterns that you don’t want to repeat anymore and then replacing them with something else.”

“‘Five, four, three, two, one, go’ becomes the new pattern, replacing old patterns that didn’t get me anywhere,” she said. “I’ve tried it. It has worked for me on some of my most paralyzing mornings.”

The science behind the 5-second rule

It turns out there is scientific evidence Robbins points to that backs up the effectiveness of this technique. When anxious or negative thoughts start to spiral in your head, you can stop them in their tracks by paying attention to your body and where you’re holding tension or pain, physician and neuroscientist Dr. Russell Kennedy explained during an April 2023 episode of “The Mel Robbins Podcast.”

As soon as you sense your trigger, start counting down without hesitation to shut down the stress response, which is activated by your sympathetic nervous system. “You develop this awareness. OK, this is my alarm coming up,” Kennedy said.

“Do something to break that cycle, because if you don’t break that cycle you’re going to sit there and ruminate and ruminate and ruminate,” he said. “And rumination has tremendous inertia to it. Once you start getting into negative thoughts, you don’t feel like doing anything.”

After the countdown, get moving and take action so you can shift your focus, reset and transition your body into a healing state of calm, activated by the parasympathetic nervous system, Kennedy said.

How do you lower stress?

Robbins has touched a nerve with her latest technique, which is another simple phrase. The trick that she said finally allowed her to live her best life at 54 years old was inspired by two simple words uttered by her twentysomething daughter: “Let them.”

“I was the person that was pissed off in the grocery store, stressed out gripping the steering wheel, annoyed by inconsiderate behavior, bending over backwards because people made me feel guilty,” Robbins said, “trying to make other people happy, trying to change other people, controlling other people because I thought it would make me feel more in control. That’s when I stumbled onto these two words: Let them.”

Her daughter had said those two words to her several times when Robbins was trying to control some of the plans for her son’s prom night. Plans he repeatedly resisted, leaving Robbins a bit hurt and extremely frustrated.

“The ‘let them’ theory is really about power and control,” Robbins said. “You use it anytime you feel frustrated, stressed out, annoyed, bothered, lonely, worried about somebody else or something else. You just say, ‘Let them!’”

It’s easy to apply to life. What can you do about people who make negative comments about you and hurt your feelings or talk behind your back? Let them. Your friend never picks up the phone when you call. Let them. Your spouse does nothing but complain they feel out of shape but won’t change their behavior even though you have offered to help.

Let them.

Your boss says they are still “working” on getting you that promotion: Let them. Your parents won’t go to the doctor but keep complaining about little pains they are feeling.

Let them.

“Let them” doesn’t mean you are giving up on them. It simply allows you to do something else.

“When you say ‘let them,’ a number of things are happening and they’re really important. No. 1, you’re actually seeing and accepting a person exactly as they are. Maybe for the very first time,” Robbins said. “Second, you are recognizing that this situation and this person’s behavior right now is completely outside of my control. This is time and energy that I can use in a more effective way based on 50 years of research and science in human behavior and influence.”

You can’t change people — any psychologist will tell you that. But you can influence them in a way that does not stress you out, Robbins said. Which brings us to the second part of the equation. “Let them” must be followed by “let me.”

Here’s one of the formulas Robbins recommends that has worked for her. It’s as easy to remember as “ABC.”

A is for apologize: You can say something like, “I am really sorry I never took into consideration how my nagging about this may be affecting you.” Then without judgment ask open-ended questions. Genuinely try to understand. Some examples include: How have my comments or pushing made you feel? What do you think about the condition of your health, grades, finances and so on? What do you think would help you change them? Do you think they need to change?

B is for back off: For three to six months, do not mention the issue that you have been harping on or worrying about. “Literally let them do whatever they want to do in that three-to-six-month period of time. And let me remind myself, I’m not stepping across the line here. And the reason why I say this is, it needs to take three to six months, is because it has to be their idea,” Robbins said.

C is for compliment: When you see them making an effort, no matter how small, give a compliment, such as “I’m proud of you.” Also model the behavior you want to see in your family, friends or coworkers. It seems simple, but Robbins said it works and so do behavioral scientists with whom she spoke.

It turns out the more you push someone to do something, even when it’s for their own benefit, the more they resist. This negative reaction is called psychological reactance, according to the Cleveland Clinic. You are trying to control their behavior, and they want their own control. In the end, you could make it worse if you don’t understand how our brains work. I know this because I’m guilty of it.

I have tried the “let them, let me” technique. Not as artfully as Robbins has laid it out, but a rougher version of it. In a short time, my relationship with my mom has gotten more loving and more fun. I hadn’t realized how often I was nagging both my mom and myself. I do it because I don’t want anything bad to happen to the mother I love so much or me. Somehow, I thought I could control that. Then I got breast cancer. Something I was unable to stop happening to me.

I had the fortune to read Robbins’ book while I have been going through treatment. I realized I’d been treating myself (in my head) and my mom (out loud) like petulant teenagers who refused to obey my rules and had to pay for their disobedience with my bad moods, frustration and silence.

Now months after being in treatment and putting Robbins’ principles into practice, I feel a bit lighter and a lot happier. Life itself is more fun and less exhausting because I am not trying to control everything around me. And I can launch myself out of bed before I start nagging myself into oblivion. It is no wonder people around the world are so enthralled and inspired by Robbins’ latest book, “The Let Them Theory,” that they are tattooing the two-word message on their bodies. To that I say, “Let them.”